Le Review Revue: Sheila, My (ex) Girlfriend: Catfish, "Skills as a Lover"

Being an aficionado with a pulpit naturally makes me something of a celebrity. Accordingly, this also makes me a target for attacks of character. I would normally just ignore these verbal assaults, but one such recent slander cannot go unaddressed. Recently, in her blog, and on a note posted to the fridge, my (ex) girlfriend, Sheila, reviewed my abilities as a lover. I've decided to respond by doing what I do best: writing my own review (of her review).

First off, Sheila, how is it that your audience is supposed to accept any of your rhetoric as fact when you are so closely tied to your subject? Objectivity called, and said it'll call back later at a more convenient time. I meant to give you the message earlier. Anyway, it's the same reason that nobody believes Billy Corgan when he writes about how great the newest Zwanshing Pumpkins album is coming along. Secondly, while you claim that I was a "less than mediocre partner", let me remind you that a dancer is only as good as his partner, and a guitarist is only as good as the instrument he plays. If the only thing he can afford is some misshapen, Communist-made, second hand piece of-- I apologize; I allowed my emotions to get the better of me there for a second. As a professional, I should know better.

Also, Sheila, you make certain accusations regarding the "enormity" of my "love." I would like to point out that length does not necessarily equal quality. I think we can all agree that Sandinista! would have been better as an EP than the 3-LP version that was released by The Clash. My EP has satisfied many* a listener!

Oh, who are we kidding, Sheila? This is ridiculous! We belong together, like Mick and Keith, like John and Paul, like Courtney Love and disorder. We're like Sid and Nancy, but without all the heroin and murder/suicide. Also, you were never a prostitute.** At the very least we can both agree that I could play bass as well as, if not better than, Sid Vicious.

Come back home, Sheila, and I'll give you the only piece of meat that the AHP Changagi Party Meats Company doesn't offer*** (at unbeatable low, low prices): my heart.