Jeffrey Morgan, "Jeffrey Morgan's Media Blackout: Fast, live and in concert"

There are so many people singing the praises of the written word that, at times, it can appear as though the written word is infallible--kind of like the Pope, or Radiohead. But I am here to tell you that the written word is not without fault. Above all , its ease of access allows anyone, however untalented they might be, an avenue to express their ideas and opinions. No longer can we rest assured that anytime we are about to read a book, essay, story, or dirty joke that it will be of quality and substance.

Enter Jeffrey Morgan.

According to an unnamed female source, Jeffrey Morgan is either the uncredited Canadian editor of Creem magazine since 1975, or the OB/GYN with a practice in Mansfield, Texas. Although it is possible that Morgan does both: juggling cervices with one hand and Lester Bangs' balls with the other. Bangs' death in 1982 would definitely have allowed for more cervix juggling.

I haven't read any of Jeffrey Morgan's earlier writings, so I can't say what kind of reviewer he was before his focus shifted to gynecology. But if his current writing is any indicator, he has either fallen into an abyss of mediocrity, or there is a deep imprint of his butt left behind on the couch of mediocrity.

Jeffrey Morgan's "Jeffrey Morgan's Media Blackout" #184 takes a look at several live performance DVD releases, including Dead Boys — Return of the Living Dead Boys: Halloween Night 1986, Quincy Jones — Live at Montreux 1996, and Gillan — The Glory Years. In all, Morgan reviews 11 DVDs, eight of which are releases from the Eagle Vision label. Obviously this means that Morgan is a shill for Eagle Vision and, therefore, can be trusted even less.

Currently Morgan presents himself as the type of reviewer who goes out of his way to let readers know just how atypical and obscure his tastes are, along with how witty he thinks he is. Example: "America — Live in Central Park 1979 (Eagle Vision) :: Need proof that they’re better than Neil Young?" What kind of people actually believe that America (the band, not the country) is better than Neil Young? Only subterranean molemen and subscribers to Lester Bangs' philosophy of antagonistic music fandom.

It's only fitting then that Jeffrey Morgan's "Jeffrey Morgan's Media Blackout: Fast, live and in concert" be awarded Kansas (the band, not the state).

Steven Hyden: U2, "War" (Reissue), "October" (Reissue), "Boy" (Reissue)

When any album is reissued, but especially those by extremely well-liked artists, there are several dangerous outcomes which could potentially occur. They include, but are not limited to, the following:

1. Longtime fans will accuse the band of selling out ("They're only doing it for the money, man.")
2. Music critics will review the rerelease and speak of how great they thought the album was when it was originally released ("I thought this album was really great when it was originally released, man.")
3. The earth will fuckin' explode, man (". . .")

Of course, the problem with each of these is obvious:

1. Alienating longtime fans will ultimately become a financial hindrance to the artist's cloak-and-dagger presbyopic goal of selling out.
   
2. When looking back into the past, it becomes too tempting to revise what one was thinking at that given time. Suddenly you always knew how awesome U2 was (even if Bono is a little too political--OMG, how could you have even known, dude?!), and surely whatever topical fad you were following in the past was only done so ironically; like you would ever genuinely try to record the audio from a New Kids on the Block televised concert onto your tape deck.
3. Uhh. . .

But, given that Steven Hyden was reviewing the newest U2 reissues for The Onion's "The A.V. Club," I decided that in reviewing his review, I would, first, read Hyden's musings, then later go back and reread the surely brilliant review before launching into my own misguided ramblings. You'll now excuse me while I once again read Steven Hyden's reviews of the U2 reissues of "War," "October," and "Boy."
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When I think back on the first time I read Steve Hyden's review of the U2 reissues of their first three albums, I can't help but be reminded about where I was back then. It was a crazy time, and I was a crazy guy. Hell, we were all a little crazy back then, and understandably so. How could we have known how out of control everything would get and how quickly it would get that way?

In those days I felt like I knew everything, and there wasn't a person on this planet that could tell me otherwise, especially not someone older than me. Our parents, man, they just didn't understand. We were trying to say something, and all they wanted us to do was stay quiet so they could hear Wheel of Fortune.

Well you know what, mom? I've got something to say, dad. Fuck. Pat. Sajak. He was only a false prophet leading the way towards an inevitable social collapse. Instead, heed the warnings of the oracle Steven Hyden: "Not since The Who defined itself with 'I Can't Explain' did a band map its career as early as U2 did with 'I Will Follow,' the first track on its staggering 1980 debut, Boy."

U2 didn't change the world accidentally, and neither did Hyden. Genius does not wander these lands drunkenly, stumbling upon whatever washed up vamp they can find. Instead, they plot out their path of devastation, only stopping to rape the truly worthwhile ladies.

Unfortunately Steven Hyden failed to foresee the need to reference Bob Dylan or Radiohead. The absence of Radiohead can be forgiven, as U2 was a predecessor of Radiohead, but the absence of Dylan? That's like showing up to a gunfight sans pistol and with a tubesock on your penis; you just don't do it. But just for showing up to that gunfight, Steven Hyden and his review of the new U2 reissues are going to walk away with Asian puddings.