Steven Hyden: U2, "War" (Reissue), "October" (Reissue), "Boy" (Reissue)

When any album is reissued, but especially those by extremely well-liked artists, there are several dangerous outcomes which could potentially occur. They include, but are not limited to, the following:

1. Longtime fans will accuse the band of selling out ("They're only doing it for the money, man.")
2. Music critics will review the rerelease and speak of how great they thought the album was when it was originally released ("I thought this album was really great when it was originally released, man.")
3. The earth will fuckin' explode, man (". . .")

Of course, the problem with each of these is obvious:

1. Alienating longtime fans will ultimately become a financial hindrance to the artist's cloak-and-dagger presbyopic goal of selling out.
   
2. When looking back into the past, it becomes too tempting to revise what one was thinking at that given time. Suddenly you always knew how awesome U2 was (even if Bono is a little too political--OMG, how could you have even known, dude?!), and surely whatever topical fad you were following in the past was only done so ironically; like you would ever genuinely try to record the audio from a New Kids on the Block televised concert onto your tape deck.
3. Uhh. . .

But, given that Steven Hyden was reviewing the newest U2 reissues for The Onion's "The A.V. Club," I decided that in reviewing his review, I would, first, read Hyden's musings, then later go back and reread the surely brilliant review before launching into my own misguided ramblings. You'll now excuse me while I once again read Steven Hyden's reviews of the U2 reissues of "War," "October," and "Boy."
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When I think back on the first time I read Steve Hyden's review of the U2 reissues of their first three albums, I can't help but be reminded about where I was back then. It was a crazy time, and I was a crazy guy. Hell, we were all a little crazy back then, and understandably so. How could we have known how out of control everything would get and how quickly it would get that way?

In those days I felt like I knew everything, and there wasn't a person on this planet that could tell me otherwise, especially not someone older than me. Our parents, man, they just didn't understand. We were trying to say something, and all they wanted us to do was stay quiet so they could hear Wheel of Fortune.

Well you know what, mom? I've got something to say, dad. Fuck. Pat. Sajak. He was only a false prophet leading the way towards an inevitable social collapse. Instead, heed the warnings of the oracle Steven Hyden: "Not since The Who defined itself with 'I Can't Explain' did a band map its career as early as U2 did with 'I Will Follow,' the first track on its staggering 1980 debut, Boy."

U2 didn't change the world accidentally, and neither did Hyden. Genius does not wander these lands drunkenly, stumbling upon whatever washed up vamp they can find. Instead, they plot out their path of devastation, only stopping to rape the truly worthwhile ladies.

Unfortunately Steven Hyden failed to foresee the need to reference Bob Dylan or Radiohead. The absence of Radiohead can be forgiven, as U2 was a predecessor of Radiohead, but the absence of Dylan? That's like showing up to a gunfight sans pistol and with a tubesock on your penis; you just don't do it. But just for showing up to that gunfight, Steven Hyden and his review of the new U2 reissues are going to walk away with Asian puddings.