Marc Hogan: Dananananaykroyd, "Hey Everyone!"

In some ways Marc Hogan is an enigma; he strings together words that theoretically should form sentences, yet experts agree that he "is not a writer*."How is this possible? Science cannot explain it! And in other ways he is as apparent as the fine taste of a steak that only the AHP Changagi Party Meats Company^** can deliver.

Hogan's review of Dananananaykroyd's newest album, "Hey Everyone!", does little to solve the mystery (he continues to use words, yet still isn't a writer) or obscure the painful obviousness: Marc Hogan is not well liked and doesn't have many positive character traits and is less funny than he believes he is and more than likely has a strained relationship with his father and might possibly be a reincarnated 17th century eastern European mass-murderer. [Ed. A google search does little to refute these allegations]

Hogan begins his review of Dananananaykroyd's album by, naturally, musing on another band:

The Denver Westword recently asked Los Campesinos! musical mastermind Tom Campesinos! whether it frustrates him to see reviews that describe his expansively punk-wracked Welsh septet's guitar-and-xylophone pop as "twee." He said it doesn't, explaining, "One of the most important things about any sort of art is an element of humor, and not to take yourself too seriously." Same goes for art appreciation, not that you'd know it most days from us stuffy critics.

Ho ho ho, how clever! But what does Los Campesinos! have to do with "Hey Everyone!"? Nothing, but how else would you know how talented Hogan is at listening to music if he didn't drop unrelated namebombs? It's the same way in which Stephen Hawking interrupts a conversation at a party by asking, "Did somebody say 'quantum electrochemistry'?" everytime he overhears someone say "M-theory." We get it, Messrs. Fancy Pants, and we aren't impressed.

It just makes me so angry! The only thing that can calm me down is a delicious and filling bowl of the AHP Changagi Party Meats Company exclusively made "Liquid Meat Product (Slogan: Try to NOT like it!)."

In a further attempt to show us how cool he is, Hogan, like all hipsters that beg to be punched in the throat, insists on letting you know that he is susceptible to television advertising and consumer trends by casually, but very much intentionally, letting you know that he uses a Macintosh "computer." Hogan writes, "On the same song, Dananananaykroyd (thanks, Command-V! And thank you, Elwood Blues!) make a defiant mantra out of a decidedly twee-ass phrase: 'Turn your hissy fits into sissy hits.'" Command-V? Very subtle, Marc. . . NOT! And very funny. . . UNTRUE!!

Had Marc Hogan's review of Dananananaykroyd's "Hey Everyone!" not been "full of shit", I would have considered awarding him the coveted rating of boneless beef heart, but instead he only receives brocciflower.



^{*Experts Academic Journal, Issue 3, Vol. 45.
**Visit your local grocer and ask for it by name!}

Marc Hogan: Weezer, "Weezer (The Red Album)"

Pitchfork has standards. Really high standards. If Pitchfork reviewed mothers, yours would only score a 2.3/10, and she'd probably get punched in her uterus, possibly even causing it to prolapse. So much for that little brother you were hoping to have. Apparently your mom is too well-known and her style "tiresome."

If your own mother, the woman who sacrificed so much so you could receive the education that made you the success you are today, can't even break 3.0, then what hope does Weezer and their new self-titled album have?

Not much, according to reviewer Marc Hogan, although they do fair better than your poor moms (which means you should probably be sending that box of chocolates to Rivers Cuomo on Mother's Day instead).

It's always a bad sign when a review starts off by looking back longingly. "Remember when..." "It used to be..." "I had a girlfriend this one time..." This is what Hogan regales his readers with. Apparently he used to like Weezer, particularly their first two albums, Weezer ("The Blue Album") and Pinkerton. He even calls those two LPs "75 minutes of near-perfect power-pop." You will note that even perfection--a quality, trait, or feature of the highest degree of excellence--only receives a 9.3 in Pitchfork's domain. But after that first 75 minutes,the rest of the band's offerings went to shit, much like Hogan's review. His gaze remains fixed behind him for the rest of his review and fails to ever turn forward.

Readers are tired of reading about what was, and desperately want to read about what will be. What will Weezer's next album sound like? Will Pavement ever reunite? What will knock Pitchfork off their own self-constructed pedestal? These are the types of question that Hogan and all reviewers should be asking.

Marc Hogan's review offers no redeeming value. His review of Weezer's "The Red Album" is thusly awarded a Reiki affirmation.