The Review We Didn't Even Bother to Read: SarahM, "Xerox Phaser 6280DN review"

Every week we are bombarded with literally millions of reviewers asking us to choose their most recent work to critique. Obviously not every review can be reviewed, and some of those, for one reason or another, just can't be bothered with at all. On that note, Le Review Revue proudly presents its newest feature. . .
SarahM, "Xerox Phaser 6280DN review"

Marc Hogan: Dananananaykroyd, "Hey Everyone!"

In some ways Marc Hogan is an enigma; he strings together words that theoretically should form sentences, yet experts agree that he "is not a writer*."How is this possible? Science cannot explain it! And in other ways he is as apparent as the fine taste of a steak that only the AHP Changagi Party Meats Company^** can deliver.

Hogan's review of Dananananaykroyd's newest album, "Hey Everyone!", does little to solve the mystery (he continues to use words, yet still isn't a writer) or obscure the painful obviousness: Marc Hogan is not well liked and doesn't have many positive character traits and is less funny than he believes he is and more than likely has a strained relationship with his father and might possibly be a reincarnated 17th century eastern European mass-murderer. [Ed. A google search does little to refute these allegations]

Hogan begins his review of Dananananaykroyd's album by, naturally, musing on another band:

The Denver Westword recently asked Los Campesinos! musical mastermind Tom Campesinos! whether it frustrates him to see reviews that describe his expansively punk-wracked Welsh septet's guitar-and-xylophone pop as "twee." He said it doesn't, explaining, "One of the most important things about any sort of art is an element of humor, and not to take yourself too seriously." Same goes for art appreciation, not that you'd know it most days from us stuffy critics.

Ho ho ho, how clever! But what does Los Campesinos! have to do with "Hey Everyone!"? Nothing, but how else would you know how talented Hogan is at listening to music if he didn't drop unrelated namebombs? It's the same way in which Stephen Hawking interrupts a conversation at a party by asking, "Did somebody say 'quantum electrochemistry'?" everytime he overhears someone say "M-theory." We get it, Messrs. Fancy Pants, and we aren't impressed.

It just makes me so angry! The only thing that can calm me down is a delicious and filling bowl of the AHP Changagi Party Meats Company exclusively made "Liquid Meat Product (Slogan: Try to NOT like it!)."

In a further attempt to show us how cool he is, Hogan, like all hipsters that beg to be punched in the throat, insists on letting you know that he is susceptible to television advertising and consumer trends by casually, but very much intentionally, letting you know that he uses a Macintosh "computer." Hogan writes, "On the same song, Dananananaykroyd (thanks, Command-V! And thank you, Elwood Blues!) make a defiant mantra out of a decidedly twee-ass phrase: 'Turn your hissy fits into sissy hits.'" Command-V? Very subtle, Marc. . . NOT! And very funny. . . UNTRUE!!

Had Marc Hogan's review of Dananananaykroyd's "Hey Everyone!" not been "full of shit", I would have considered awarding him the coveted rating of boneless beef heart, but instead he only receives brocciflower.



^{*Experts Academic Journal, Issue 3, Vol. 45.
**Visit your local grocer and ask for it by name!}

Congratulations...

Congratulations to the fine folks at the AHP Changagi Party Meats Company of Pyongyang, North Korea for their new sponsorship of Le Review Revue. Due to their overwhelming generosity, and corporate wizardry, you will once again be able to read reviews of music reviews (and now with 137% more lean protein!)

-Catfish