Ann Powers: Daughtry, "Leave This Town"

To fully comprehend Los Angeles Times music critic Ann Powers, it is important to know the following:

1. She was born on February 4th, making her an Aquarius (and traditionally ruled by the planet Saturn)
   
2. She co-wrote a book, Piece by Piece, with professional musician (and amateur lunatic) Tori Amos [Little known fact: the face of any natal male who has the misfortune of reading this tome will melt off his skull just like in Raiders of the Lost Ark]
   
3. See number one

Ms. Powers, of course, does not readily offer up information regarding her astrological persuasion*. This poses little problem to me, as a professional writer, for I am fully capable of using a variety of tools to obtain the information required to read anything dedicated to paper, but the everyday reader is not as blessed as I am. Especially readers of the Los Angeles Times. In particular, those reading a review of Chris Daughtry's new album.

If I can speak as a human being, and not as a critic [intelligent readers likely have already surmised that critics are not human beings. This is correct.], I want to empathize with Ann Powers. I wanna get real for a second here. I can understand why she would be reluctant to admit her Aquarian affiliation. After all, we're talking about an entire cross-section of the solar population self-described as egoistic and stubborn (and very jealous of all Scorpios(?). Scorpians? Scorpacians?)

What's even worse is the traits that Aquarians won't cop to. An Aquarian will never admit that he or she has a rebellious streak. Why, you may ask (and if you didn't ask, I'll pause here for a moment and allow you to do so. . . . . . . . seriously, I highly suggest you ask why. . . . . . . ). A rebel will never admit to being a rebel because by the very act of admission, he or she is conforming to truth. And, as we all know, truth is not a rebel's real dad and, therefore, cannot tell a rebel what to do.

Powers' rebel stripes could be used to her advantage as a writer, but so deep is her shame that she has yet to fully embrace her recalcitrance. Just imagine how much more weight her words would carry if she refused to use any kind of comprehensible written language. Or if she chose not to use any words at all! Picture a review composed entirely of punctuation. What a wondrous vision!

Until this hypothetical utopia is made true, I have no choice but to award Ann Powers' review of Chris Daughtry's new album, Leave This Town, the Cuban American prelate of the Roman Catholic Church, Manuel Aurelio Cruz.

________________
*Readers should be aware that Catfish Adams acknowledged his sun sign in his first ever review "I am a Gemini! and I Think This Rock 'n' Roll Thing Might Have Some Staying Power".

The Review We Didn't Even Bother to Read: Joyce Carol Oats, "Car Park and Cafe, Bethnal Green"

Joyce Carol Oats, "Car Park and Cafe, Bethnal Green"

Heads Up

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Sheila, My (ex) Girlfriend: Catfish, "Skills as a Lover"

Being an aficionado with a pulpit naturally makes me something of a celebrity. Accordingly, this also makes me a target for attacks of character. I would normally just ignore these verbal assaults, but one such recent slander cannot go unaddressed. Recently, in her blog, and on a note posted to the fridge, my (ex) girlfriend, Sheila, reviewed my abilities as a lover. I've decided to respond by doing what I do best: writing my own review (of her review).

First off, Sheila, how is it that your audience is supposed to accept any of your rhetoric as fact when you are so closely tied to your subject? Objectivity called, and said it'll call back later at a more convenient time. I meant to give you the message earlier. Anyway, it's the same reason that nobody believes Billy Corgan when he writes about how great the newest Zwanshing Pumpkins album is coming along. Secondly, while you claim that I was a "less than mediocre partner", let me remind you that a dancer is only as good as his partner, and a guitarist is only as good as the instrument he plays. If the only thing he can afford is some misshapen, Communist-made, second hand piece of-- I apologize; I allowed my emotions to get the better of me there for a second. As a professional, I should know better.

Also, Sheila, you make certain accusations regarding the "enormity" of my "love." I would like to point out that length does not necessarily equal quality. I think we can all agree that Sandinista! would have been better as an EP than the 3-LP version that was released by The Clash. My EP has satisfied many* a listener!

Oh, who are we kidding, Sheila? This is ridiculous! We belong together, like Mick and Keith, like John and Paul, like Courtney Love and disorder. We're like Sid and Nancy, but without all the heroin and murder/suicide. Also, you were never a prostitute.** At the very least we can both agree that I could play bass as well as, if not better than, Sid Vicious.

Come back home, Sheila, and I'll give you the only piece of meat that the AHP Changagi Party Meats Company doesn't offer*** (at unbeatable low, low prices): my heart.

* Not many
** Pending confirmation
*** Coming Soon: Mechanically Separated Catfish Heart!